Day 31: Walking the Line

Up to half of my kingdom for a cup of coffee.

Now that I've got that out of the way...

Can I be honest here? Can I just say it and be exposed? I will. There is this really dangerous line in doing righteous acts. There is this fuzzy, squirmy line that slips under your feet while you're not looking. That when we do something good and worthy, suddenly we find ourselves in a place of our own honoring, looking smartly at our reflections, clicking and pointing our gun-fingers at ourselves with an attaboy and a wink. And we look at others differently.

The scribes and the pharisees had good intentions. Their desire was to follow the law and honor the commandments. But somewhere along the way, some of them allowed this line to make it's way under their lifted feet like a jump rope. And when they came face to face with the promised seed of Abraham, some of them were too busy patting themselves on the back and ignoring the masses to realize Jesus was who he claimed to be. And boy did they get an earful from the chosen one.

There have been a couple of moments for me, during this Pick Five season, where I have thought too highly of myself. Where I thought, Gee, Me, you're pretty impressive. Very quickly I realized my error and repented. But then there's the second part. Others.

We live in a world and in a society of all kinds of people, all kinds of socioeconomic standard, and all kinds of personal convictions. My conviction to live simpler and appreciate more is not for everyone. It happens to fit well for me, since I have little choice in the matter anyway. :) But doing Pick Five and learning to live without and appreciate and help out in no way allows me to look down my nose and click my silent tongue at those whose convictions are different. It is not fair to judge someone in my heart who seems to spend money on useless things, or waste time on fruitless efforts, just because I think I know how better to steward their income or time. Who am I? Nobody.

But that line, that tricky tricky line. It's the same one that we slide across when we have a good stint of exercise. And by that I mean like three or four gym visits within a two week period, when we're suddenly "in shape" and healthy and Goodness Gracious, you're not really going to eat that cheeseburger, are you? God, I couldn't do that after that really hard cardio kickboxing class I took today. The line. Or when we're in the grocery store, and for some miracle from heaven our children are behaving themselves and following closely and not fighting or taking things off the shelves. And we hear the shout from two aisles down. Mommy, I want it! No, don't take it! It's mine! IT'S MINE!!! Our children's halos appear and we smirk and puff up our chest at every passerby, because Look at me. I'm the good mom. The line.

So, forgive me friends. Once again. Because even though I can put on the righteous front, inside I am filled with dead men's bones and everything unclean. And God sees the me that I cover up, and God sees the me that I don't even know I'm covering up.

But I thank Him for that. It is such a relief that someone knows me, knows every secret I keep, knows the things that would mortify if released. And that He still loves me, and is ever waiting for me to return to Him, and wants to do the things through me that I so desperately try to do on my own.

I cannot love if I have put a wedge between me and others, even the lowest of the low of society. Because we are all the same. Broken. And I think I just got my reminder.

Days 29&30: Action

I can't believe how easy it has been to serve in my community lately.

Look at me! Am I just too great?!

No... trust me. I know all about humility. I struggle with it daily. I'm really telling you this to be an encouragement to you, because for so long I felt stagnant. I felt like I could barely keep my life, my house, and my family in order, and couldn't figure out how I could possibly drop everything to go serve dinner at the soup kitchen. I have kids, I have a job, I'm too busy, I don't have extra money to give. I had all the excuses.

But when I started Pick Five on August 1st, one of the goals was to teach my kids and become more aware myself about the need in the world, and the need in my own community. So, I felt I had better pony up the goods and start looking around for stuff to do.

Turns out, there's plenty. And every one has been more blessing than burden. Right off the bat, me and the kids swung by Capital Area Food Bank and picked up 3 large donation boxes. They each hold around 150 lbs of food. They have been sitting in the foyer of the gym where I work, since August 1st. I'll tell you the final poundage tomorrow when I weigh them, but after one month ALL THREE BOXES are full. Tomorrow I'll drive them back over to CAFB. How easy was that? A 1/2 hour one day, and a 1/2 hour 31 days later. And likely over 400 lbs of food for the hungry in my community.

And today, I participated in a Communities in Schools classroom makeover at a local high school. This classroom/office space is home to three or four vital counselors, from crisis intervention to pregnancy management and prevention to at-risk counseling. All of them are committed to lower high school drop out numbers. So our team of a dozen or so volunteers went in and turned a closet-like storage room space into six private office spaces and a group therapy room with the most peaceful and calm atmosphere. My kids came too. Now, I could watch HGTV all day, but to be able to do a room makeover that blesses an entire community of high schoolers and those dedicated to help them... sign me up any day of the week. I get why Ty Pennington loves his job.

Tuesday, some friends of mine are hosting a Great American Bake Sale. They're setting up a table at the south Austin Lifetime near the Life Cafe and selling homemade baked goods by the dozens. All proceeds benefit No Kid Hungry, a program that supports meal programs for kids who wouldn't otherwise have anything to eat, and makes sure that local donations help local kids. So, I threw some cookies in the oven, and I'll drop them by when they set up. Stop by after work and pick up a cake or some cookies! (No need to be a member.)

One of the cool things about serving locally and encouraging others to walk along side of you, is that slowly you begin to build a community where you are all offering each other opportunities to serve, championing one another in your efforts, and making the weight of the world a little lighter by bearing the burden together. I just love the folks at ANC for giving me a jump start.

A young co-worker of mine stopped me the other day. His words are still tied up in a little locket with a red satin bow and tucked away in my heart. "You're, like, changing your little corner of the world. That's cool."

"Well," I said back, "God is changing me, you know?"

Isaiah 58 9-10

"If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday."

Mar 12:28-31

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

Need some ideas for your own life? See the MOVE ME INTO ACTION section for some suggestions.

Day 28: Are We There Yet?

11 days, 2 hours, 22 minutes... but who's counting?

Feeling a little antsy today. I couldn't sit down with my family for dinner. It all looked too good. Which I guess is my own fault. I mean, I'm the one who cooked. I just kept myself busy with serving the kids and cleaning up the kitchen and then packing up the leftovers. I ate afterward. Something about eating rice and edamame for the 56th time, (No, really. Do the math.) when the rest of the family is eating steak, potatoes, fresh veggies and french bread. It's like going to the Louvre with your art class to do some sketches and breaking out the 24-pack of Crayolas. Doesn't quite measure up.

My 5-year old asked me, "Do you still have Pick Five?" When I answered him yes, he looked frustrated. "You should just give that away. Someone else can have Pick Five." Well, today I would have agreed.

But, as I look back on these past four weeks -- wait, let's just take a moment here. FOUR WEEKS. You with me? Okay. Now back to the previously scheduled sentence -- I have come to realize that I have felt this way at the end of each week. Friday brings a Pick Five depression of sorts. It's the mounting of the week's responsibility and vulnerability and irritability all wrapped tightly into a TGIF doggie bag. And it starts to stink. And yet by Sunday, I'm usually doing markedly better. But wait -- that means that Saturday must be special. Oh yeah, it is.

So, bring on the Sabbath. Bring on the rest and peace and time of refreshing. 'Cause I need it. Bad.

Psalm 92 "A psalm. A song. For the Sabbath day. It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High, to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night to the music of the ten-stringed lyre and the melody of the harp. For you make me glad by your deeds, O Lord; I sing for joy at the works of your hands. How great are your works, O Lord, how profound your thoughts!"

Day 27: Be Glorified

It is so humbling to think that what started out as a belly ache over 4300 calories, and a heartache over Zambians and their single bowl of nshima, has morphed its way into Day 27 of this thing called Pick Five, where I sit right now, in a life-pause holding pattern, developing my mind and heart, and eating an apple-spinach popsicle. (Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.) I would so love to take credit for the 736 views and the 193 absolute unique visitors to Pick Five and the dozens of people who have told me personally that this is making a change in their lives. But the reality is, this is way bigger than me. I am just riding this wave and letting the barrel roll over me. All I did was paddle out when I saw a big one coming.

There are these moments in life that present themselves, and you have the unique opportunity to make a difference. Not so that you can feel better. Not so that you can contribute. Not even so that someone else might benefit. But so that God can say, "I did that." And we can say, "Yes you did. Thanks."

God, the God of the Universe, the God of time, space, and eternity, is here in the now. He is present with us right now. And in order to pick up the waves he's spinning out there every day, we've got to paddle out. We've got to make ourselves available. We've got to say, "Send me, God. I'll do it."

Being a part of this experience has opened my eyes to small joys, to small sacrifices, to small betterments of which I can also take part. I have revived an old song I used to sing in Sunday school. I taught it to my kids. It is a simple song, and yet it's simple message is a prayer, a request, a reminder to us that we ought to be seeking not our own glory or accolades (we will always fail to deliver the goods) but the fame and notoriety for the One who sets it all into motion. Singing the message out loud sets our minds on course for the day; it lays out the readiness carpet, that we might walk in it.

In my life, Lord, be glorified. Be glorified. In my life, Lord, be glorified today.

In my work, Lord, be glorified. Be glorified. In my work, Lord, be glorified today.

In my school, Lord, be glorified. Be glorified. In my school, Lord, be glorified today.

In my words, Lord, be glorified. Be glorified. In my words, Lord, be glorified today.

For those of us less traditional, there's this.

(Updates: still doing fine, hair's starting to look better.)

Day 26: Fidelity

fi⋅del⋅i⋅ty, noun.

faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support

Today is my parents 36th wedding anniversary. They were married in 1973. My dad wore a ruffled shirt, Napoleon Dynamite hair, and a 'stache you could only get away with in the '70s. My mom's hair was long and center-parted. Under her floor-length, empire-waist dress, she wore leather sandals at the reception. We call 'em the Jesus Walkers. She still has them. They raised six lovely (if I do say so myself) children, and stood side by side through times of plenty and times of need, emergency room visits (four of the six are boys), pastoring a fellowship, moving their family halfway across the country, more than a dozen graduations, their six children's weddings and now enjoy the company of THIRTEEN grandchildren when the family gets together. Which is often.

Fidelity is from the Latin fidelis, which means faithfulness. It reminds me of the scripture, Proverbs 3:3 "Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."

When God gives a good gift, many times it also requires something of you. There is work and discipline and upkeep on your end. This is our spiritual act of stewardship. How we treat what we have been given. When my parents got married, it wasn't just a blessing they took on easily and lightly. We don't live in a two-dimensional world where we have a paper doll outfit that gets tacked onto our own personal paper doll for each gift and stays until we decide to remove it. Marriage, fold back the tabs. Children, add them on... fold back the tabs. No. Instead we walk, carrying our gifts and burdens and pressing onward. We have dynamic relationships between those around us, who sometimes make our burdens lighter or heavier. We bend and move and make decisions that affect our eternity. Our faithfulness to uphold the gifts can be hard. Many times it requires sacrifice. And we don't always do everything right. We can never do justly and mercifully what we ought to, and we forget to be thankful and appreciative of our gifts as we must be. We do our best.

But then there's our Saviour, the Messiah Jesus. And His fidelity to us is stronger than anything we might try to wedge in between. Psalm 100:5 "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations."

God has stuck with us for so long, for so many generations. For all of the infidelity and unfaithfulness that the world seems to vomit onto our lives, God has always been faithful. He will always be our devoted spouse, drawing us ever nearer to himself.

There is something so beautiful about being committed to uphold the gifts that God has given me. My marriage, my children, my faith, and also with Pick Five. It isn't always easy. The burden of the gift can sometimes outweigh the benefits. But our returned fidelity to the gifts that God has given us comes with unbelievable rewards. I see it in my parents' relationship. I see it in my own marriage and in the eyes of my children. And as I press onward, carrying Pick Five in the backpack of my life's journey, being faithful to this small gift of discipline and growth that the Lord has given me, I am beginning to see its rewards as well.

Day 25: In Training

My friend Betsy adopted her son out of a small village in Ethiopia. There, the local women and children are sent to fetch water for daily use. They have to walk miles to get to the closest water source. Not closest CLEAN WATER source, just water source. Let's just forget about food for today. Let's talk in the most simple terms.

Clean water.

"In rural Ethiopia, only 1 person in 3 has access to clean water. Millions of people die every year because they don’t have access to their most simple and basic need – clean water... Children are especially vulnerable to the consequences of unsafe water. Of the 42,000 deaths that occur every week from unsafe water and a lack of basic sanitation, 90% are children under 5 years old." From the Water To Thrive website.

Water To Thrive is an organization dedicated to getting clean water to those in need. They build clean water wells in Ethiopia. My friend Betsy has been working closely with them and has hopes that they will build a well in her son's hometown.

On September 19th, Water To Thrive is hosting a 5K and Kids K at the Hill Country Galleria in Bee Cave, TX.

This will be my first race.

Just as Pick Five is a training for my life to come, a discipline exercise in simplicity, appreciation, and empathy, so now I'm also training my body to run 3.125 miles. This is harder than it sounds. (For me.) But if it saves a woman or child a daily walk just to get water that might do more harm than good, I'd say it's worth it.

So, how 'bout it? Ready to lace up the sneakers with me?

Day 24: The Power Nap

Don't underestimate the power of good sleep.

I, too, used to use coffee as liquid sleep replacement.

But now that I don't have that option, even with a good night's sleep, I am forced into one of two circumstances. Either I take a nap in the middle of the day and have the energy to make it through until bedtime, or I fall asleep at 8:30pm on the couch while reading with my seven year old.

I did not take a nap today.

And I have been asleep on the couch for the last hour.

And I'm going to go back to sleep when I'm through typing.

This new process has taught me that my body has actual, natural need to cease and recover. This is a hard reality to accept. I'm of the five-a-day breed (cups of coffee). I don't like to stop. Ever. There's too much to do. But, I have come to terms with this new rhythm. I have embraced it. I have learned to utilize my awake time better, and not store everything on my to-do list until the kids are asleep. Because, well, the list won't get done if I'm crashed on the couch.

It came to a head the other night when I was forced to bed by fatigue and had to leave a note for my husband, who comes home at 4:45am from his night beat. It read:

"About the house: I can do better. I promise."

Learning this natural rhythm is important to me as a person. It means that instead of letting my body break down so that I can be "productive", I must learn to be efficient with the time that I am given, and allow my body to take care of itself. Previously ignored by the next cup of coffee. Now more important. That's good. I like that.

Days 22&23: The Edamame Saga

Something has changed -- physically, chemically, biologically -- with the way my taste receptor cells are receiving edamame. Dare I say it?

I like edamame again.

I know that my thoughts on Pick Five, and my emotional highs and lows have been fickle, fluctuating. (To say the least. If you charted my emotions on paper, you'd need a seismograph.) Life is full of these ups and downs, but in real life, I usually tend to downplay the mercurial extremes so as to appear more sane. I obviously have not done that here, so don't go calling the state hospital on me.

But for the last few days, I have really enjoyed edamame. It tastes buttery and rich, and the texture is actually quite pleasing when combined with the nutty, al dente brown rice. I can't explain it, other than to give God the glory for granting me this small mercy.

It's as if all the foods have taken on a heightened taste. The almonds have been extremely fragrant. The apples, sweeter. The spinach, creamy and savory. The rice, more filling. The water, more satisfying. What kind of world is this?!

I realize now that what God has given me for these 40 days is enough. These five simple foods that he created with his hand are pleasing to my body. My response can be none other than thanks.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for rice. Thank you for edamame. Thank you for spinach. Thank you for apples. Thank you for almonds. Thank you for salt. Thank you for water.

Dayenu. It would have been enough.

Romans 12: 1-2 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your reasonable act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Day 21: Two Losses

So, everyone keeps asking. It's a natural question. I mean, think about what I'm eating. For the first time in a long time, I'm taking in the right amount of calories for my body weight. And since I've been exercising, it was bound to happen. So, I'll come clean about the question that people ask me out of the side of their mouths so as not to disturb the spiritual waters of Pick Five.

I've lost eight pounds.

This is decent news, since over the last year I have slowly grown out of my wardrobe and resigned myself to the "dumpy wardrobe". I have been blessed over the years to receive gorgeous and well-made clothes from a benevolent friend of a friend (read: rockin' hand-me-downs) that I have put to pitiful use because of my size change. And now, I can make her donations work overtime for all the wear they're going to get.

But don't go jumping on the Pick Five not-a-diet diet bandwagon until you hear the second loss.

I think my hair is falling out. I'm trying not to panic. At first, I chalked it up to summer time molting. Then, I thought it was because I was wearing it in an updo a lot lately, and so some hairs were ripping out. But now, I'm starting to worry. For those of you who don't know me, this is like Beyonce losing her derrière, or Elizabeth Taylor's eyes suddenly turning brown. I know, not very modest comparisons, as I am neither Beyonce or Elizabeth. But my long red tresses thinning out would be a major blow to my ego. I feel really conflicted about this. I don't want to be vain about my looks, but I really don't want to lose my hair. I feel defeated. Ugh.

Please, God. Don't teach me this lesson in humility. Please. please.

(Maybe an increase/decrease in one of the five that could make a difference. Or maybe one of my prescriptions is doing it. Must look into it.)

Day 20: Halftime Dance

So... hmm... what's new... oh, yeah... I'M HALFWAY THROUGH!!!

Let me take this moment to do a happy little Snoopy jig.

... still jigging...

... wait, one more...

... okay, I'm done.

For twenty days, I have been 99.998% loyal to Pick Five (-.001 each for the accidently chewed and spit out baby carrot and the two drops of gravy).

Before I realized it was day 20 today, I was really grumpy. The multiple errands in 100º heat with three children was getting to me. But then I signed the last receipt on the last errand, remembered it was the 20th, and my whole mood changed.

I had a lilt in my step as I took the kids to the Austin Children's Museum and played like a five-year old for two hours. So much fun.

I can't believe it. Half way. Praise God.

Please stay with me. Keep praying. It hasn't exactly flown by. And just as Moses held up his arms during the battle against the Amalekites, so I continue on until this is complete. But Moses had help, too. His arms got tired, and Aaron and Hur held them up for him, so that the Israelites would continue toward victory. Will you be my Aaron and Hur? Thank you so much for all your love and encouragement and support along the way. It is invaluable.

"So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up--one on one side, one on the other--so that his hands remained steady till sunset." Exodus 17:10-12

Day 19: Don't Worry, Eat Gravy

Add another craving to my list.

------------------------------>

I was thinking about the verse I've got as my header. "Do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?'" from Matthew 6. The chapter ends so beautifully, and has a great verse for what I was going through yesterday.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

I changed my mind. It's actually not a very positive verse. It doesn't say that everything will get taken care of. It just says not to worry about tomorrow today. Worry about today today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. And every day is full of trouble. I never really looked at it like that, like an aunt or grandmother who gives compliments like, "Well, at least you're not ugly."

But I understand the concept. Worrying for things that haven't happened yet, not so productive. I can't worry about day 41. I can't even worry about day 20. Each day is filled with ups and downs, highs and lows and enough trouble of its own.

Today's trouble was over gravy. Don't make gravy unless you are able to taste it 100 times yourself. Relying on your spouse's palate to taste and make suggestions about the gravy is not good for a marriage. But, finally, after one teeeeeeeeensy weeeeeeeeeensie taste, I realized that the gravy was fine, and I wasn't going to add anything or tamper with it for another second. So sue me. I tasted two droplets of gravy. It saved me from throwing down the whisk and walking out of the kitchen. And everyone was the happier for it.

And verse 32 of Matthew 6 says about the things over which we get anxious, "your Heavenly Father knows that you need them." That alone is comforting. He uses the word 'father'. And in Luke chapter 11, Jesus says, "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?... If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

Therein lies the answer. We worry. We ask God for the things that He already knows we need. Then he breathes his "Breath of Holiness" aka "Holy Spirit" down upon us. Thank you, God. And we are satisfied. Aaah. Until tomorrow when, apparently, new troubles are already awaiting us.

Day 18: Overbooked

Up to my eyeballs in responsibility:

1. PTA Teacher Breakfast to plan and execute. Time: 2 days

2. Face Painting for Capital Area Food Bank donation drive to buy face paint, make samples, execute. Time: 3 days

3. Extreme Classroom Makeover to plan, purchase supplies, and execute for Communities in Schools. Time: 10 days

4. American Heritage Girls Social Skills and Etiquette Tea Party to plan, purchase supplies and execute. Time: about 2 weeks

Somthing's gotta give. The Pick Five thought for the day is going to have to wait until tomorrow. So sorry, dear friends.

But, dang. That felt good to prioritize. I can do this! (Maybe the next 40 should be to simplify the rest of my life!)

Day 17: Nitty Gritty Dirt Blog

One of my all-time best friends emailed me today:

"Ok, so give me an update. And I'm not talking about the censored version that's in your blog. I want the nitty gritty, dirty reality!"

Well, I thought I was doing pretty good in the honesty and openness department. But, I know when I read "Animal Vegetable Miracle," by Barbara Kingsolver about her family's quest to eat only what they could grow themselves or buy locally from farmers they knew, I felt like I wanted the whole story. Like there must be something she's not telling us. I kept waiting for the undoing.

Oh no. You are not waiting for my undoing... right? Right?! Okay. You are. It's okay. I understand. I suppose we all want to see the train wreck sometimes. You sickos. But you're going to be disappointed.

So, for you, my friend, and for everyone else, here it is. The nitty gritty dirty reality.

I wake up, and I want to throw up at the sight of another apple and handful of almonds for breakfast. I put my nose so close to my children's bowls of Fruity Cheerios that I probably absorb some sugar through my nostrils. I eat my... "breakfast" and begrudgingly admit that an apple is one of God's most delicious creations. And then realize that I'm probably going to need another TMJ surgery after eating almonds and apples for breakfast for 40 days.

Lunch time rolls around and I fix PB&Js, carrots, string cheese and juice for the kids, and have to fight the urge to lick the PB&J knife. I mean, really, PB&J? It's sandwich awesomeness. But I resist. Confession coming in 3... 2... 1... I robotically popped a baby carrot in my mouth the other day. I was on like the fourth crunch when my mouth finally sent messages to my brain. NEW FOOD ALERT! NEW FOOD ALERT! So I stopped, mouth half open, walked to the trash can and spit out the carrot. And then choked back a silent cry. Over a carrot. Sad. So every day, I scoop out one cup of my precooked brown rice (I cook it a bag at a time), and pile some edamame on top. One minute in the microwave.

This meal always trips me out for some reason. I put a bite in my mouth. I look down to make sure it's my Pick Five food -- (This is a new development. Everything goes through the wait-am-I-eating-the-right-thing-here-or-have-I-totally-lost-it-and-accidently-shoved-a-donut-in-my-mouth filter.) -- Then I eat. I eat the edamame first, because... well... I haven't quite recovered from the whole I Hate Edamame thing. I am not choking it down anymore, but let's just say that by the time this whole thing is done, I better be able to speak Japanese for all the edamame I've eaten. Then, the rice. I am so not sick of brown rice. I love it. I would eat it in a boat. And I would eat it with a goat. And I would eat it in the rain. And in the dark. And on a train. And in a car. And in a tree. It is so good, so good you see! (Really. I love it. No, seriously.)

Afternoons usually bring another half an apple and handful of almonds along with a tank of water. It's Texas. And it's brutal. I dream of Sonic slushes and iced mochas. But, not for too long. Discipline is knowing how to stop entertaining temptation.

Then, I make dinner. I think it's God's timing that my husband is working the night shift right now. I only have to cook the "real" dinners for him a couple of nights a week. For the kids, I end up just balancing their plate with a protein, one or two vegetables, a complex carb and a glass of milk. Sometimes it's pretty motley, like some chicken, leftover spaghetti and a pile of peas. But they don't seem to mind. I sit down with them, and eat my rice and edamame. (Rinse, repeat.) My kids know not to say, "Is this it?" when I put their plate in front of them. They haven't fully connected it to my rants about children in other countries and even a few kids here in Austin who don't have enough to eat, but they sure know that they have to go to their rooms for a couple of minutes if they say it, and they want to avoid that. It's a start.

But then, after they go to bed, I break out the goods. Oh yeah. I open the freezer, get out my bowl and spoon, and my mouth already begins to water. I start to think about this time of day at around 3 in the afternoon. I look forward to it. Nobody's around. And I get to enjoy my daily delicious bowl of... chopped spinach. What? What did you think I was going to say? I swear to you, this is heaven. I love spinach. And it just melts like butter on my tongue. Oh, butter. I miss butter. Spinach would be so good with butter. Focus. Focus.

It's weird, because in the evenings I always used to watch TV and eat during EVERY COMMERCIAL. Something salty like cheese or buttered bread. Then, something sweet like saltwater taffy. (That has 'salt' in it. But it's sweet. Funny.) Salty, sweet, salty sweet. It went on for hours. But I'm not really watching TV anymore. It's like one went with the other. Hmm.

Then, I go to bed and start over. I can compare this whole Pick Five time to when I was pregnant (40 WEEKS, not days). I used to have quick little freak outs. Get out of there. Get out of my skin. Out of my belly! But then I calmed myself down and reminded myself that I was in it for the long haul. I prayed for God's patience in place of my impatience. It worked then, and it's working now.

The hardest times, when I want to crawl into a hole and cry, have been when I am in the company of other people who are eating delicious food. This is hard. I've managed to blend in pretty good, and try not to cause any vexation to the omnivores. But then I get in my car, have a quick and silent pity party, and try my best to pay attention to what I'm supposed to be learning from the experience. This is where I know God meets me. These times, I know, will make a difference in my life.

Over all, I am at peace. I know that it's not over until it's over. I know that there is much more ahead. I'm right smack in the middle of it, and I'm trying not to plan out what I'm going to eat on day 41. (Except for coffee. I'll be setting the timer on my coffee maker.) I'll save thoughts about other food for the last couple of days. I can't go there yet. I don't know what's next when this is all done. Day by day. Breathe in, breathe out. Brown rice, edamame, spinach, apples and almonds. And the hand of the Lord to sustain me.

(Picture: Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. "Down by the river in the full moon light, we'll be fallin' in love in the middle of the night, just moving slow..." Thanks to Tom for gifting this song to my sister when I was an impressionable 13 years old. Good tune.)

Days 15&16: Happy Vegetarian

From Numbers chapter 11:

Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the Lord, and when he heard them his anger was aroused. Then fire from the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp...

The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites started wailing and said, "If only we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost--also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic. But now we have lost our appetite; we never see anything but this manna!" ...

[The LORD said to Moses], "Tell the people: 'Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow, when you will eat meat. The Lord heard you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat! We were better off in Egypt!" Now the Lord will give you meat, and you will eat it. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten or twenty days, but for a whole month--until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it--because you have rejected the Lord, who is among you.' "...

Now a wind went out from the LORD and drove quail in from the sea... But while the meat was still between their teeth and before it could be consumed, the anger of the LORD burned against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague.

I thought I wanted a little meat. Just some chicken or a carne fajita taco. But, nope. I have everything that I need. I'm just fine, God. No thanks.

Mmmmm... rice. Mmmmm... spinach. Mmmmm... apples. Mmmmm... almonds. Yum.

No quail. Thankyouverymuch.

(All's well on the Pick Five front. I'm hanging in there. Still got 24 days to go! Stay with me!)

Day 14: Excuse Me?!

There's this part in "In & Out", a silly comedy about a man who never considered himself gay, inadvertently coming out of the closet at a very inopportune time. On his wedding day. About two-thirds into the movie, the rejected bride, Joan Cusak (brilliant), is sitting on a stool in a bar, in her enormous but tattered wedding dress and veil, totally a wreck, make up smeared from crying, nursing a fat beer, utterly despondent. In walks a reporter, Tom Selleck, who has been reporting the story and exacerbating the situation. He sits down next to the bride, oblivious to her, and says, "Man, have I had a rough day." The look that she gives him is so priceless, so incredulous and then she shouts at the top of her cracking, exasperated voice, "EEEEXCUUUUUUSE ME?!"

This is how I felt when my daughter told me she didn't want to eat a sandwich yesterday.

"But you like sandwiches, right?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't you want one."

"I just don't feel like it."

"EEEEXCUUUUUUSE ME?!"

Yeah! Ugh! Take that! (I have every right to be indignant... right?)

And yet, if I said to a Zambian that I was sick of my delicious, nutritious, ample supply of five foods, he should have a similar response. His one bowl of nshima a day, or a Haitian's 4oz of rice per day, has my Pick Five beat in the depravity department by a mile.

Perspective. I'm learning.

Day 13: No Can Do Fondue

So, I don't know if it's the lack of coffee, the Pick Five in general, the kids making a mess in the house all day, or my husband working so much overtime lately (Thanks, honey. You're so strong and dedicated to providing for us all), but today was just hard. It was hard.

And then later I went to meet up with some friends for a fondue party. How fun is that? Jack cheese and cheddar cheese, chocolate peanut butter caramel, and white chocolate, and about 20 different things to dip into these four melted luxuries. Wine, beer, laughter. And then the microwave dinged.

"Whose bowl of brown rice, edamame, and spinach is this?"

Someone else, "Whose do you think?"

And we stood around, mingled, and I ate my dinner and tried not to draw too much attention to myself. It wasn't that I wanted to eat what everyone else was eating. I mean, sure I did. But I wasn't tempted in that way. I just felt thin, transparent, disconnected from myself. It was just a hard day. I don't know how else to explain it.

This wasn't supposed to be easy. It wouldn't have the same effect if it were. When you ask for God to change your heart, the outcome is always right, it's just that the process of removing the old crusty heart can leave you feeling vulnerable, fragile. I'm leaning a little more on the Lord today, and waiting for the new heart to sync up.

Day 12: The Crave List

When I announced what five things I'd be eating for Pick Five, much of the response was, "Aren't you going to be hungry?" Well, I said it then, and I'll say it now.

Nope.

I do have a controlled amount of food that I'm eating, but the point of this exercise was not to be hungry. It was to simply limit my choices. Squeeze out the excess. But I'll tell you, if I'm hungry, it's because it's lunch time. Or dinner. I have not once been hungry after a meal.

Howwwevvverrrrrrr...

I have been hungry/thirsty FOR things. I'll indulge you in my crave list:

Cereal, esp. Oh!s and Life

Chocolate milk

Supreme pizza

Chocolate cake/cupcakes

Brisket and sausage

Potato salad

Cole slaw

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeese

Thundercloud Subs (Austinites, can I get a whoop whoop!)

Pasta

French bread

Red wine

Caesar salad (Look at the last four. Maybe I should have done a Scegliere Cinque.)

Rotisserie chicken

Bacon (Not turkey bacon. Sorry, Mom.)

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

Fish tacos (don't knock it 'til you've tried it)

Gingerbread pancakes from Kerby Lane Cafe

I had a Chick-O-Stick craving the other day. But I think this was a fluke. I haven't eaten one of these in years.

And, saving the most desperate for last...

Cue beam of light from heaven and chorus of angels...

COFFEE. In any shape or form. I think if I opened a bag of coffee right now, I might just get too excited and start crunching on the shiny French Roast beans before they even got to the grinder.

So, think of me when you have any of these. And try not to cackle with delight.

I hope you choke.

(Sorry, I didn't mean that about the choking. I had to bring some levity after yesterday's downer. Whah, whah.)

Day 11: Confessions

I realized today that a fear has been creeping up within me. As I drove around town this morning, I was alone for the first time in a while. My kids had been dropped off to play with their cousins, I had turned off the radio, and was able to collect my thoughts in the silence. I thought about the second quarter of this simplification, as I enter into the teens of Pick Five. I thought about the struggle to get this far, and the new freedom and peace that I now experienced. I thought about the next 29 days and what amazing thing they were waiting to offer. I thought about words and blogs and conversations that I would have because of this amazing thing that was going to happen.

And then a lump grew out of my stomach and made its way up my throat. I tried to swallow it down, but it beat the gag reflex and surfaced to show its face and say hello. And there it was. The fear.

What if I have nothing to say.

What if nothing happens.

And all thought stopped here, like a skipping record repeating an off-key note. What if nothing happens? What will I say? Will it all have been for naught? How will I explain that? I have all of you, reading my thoughts and praying for me and cheering me on. I have my friends and family, asking about my progress, how I'm doing, what I'm learning... What if its all one bogus nothingness that ends, and after all is said and done, life will go on as usual? And I just sat in that for a while.

I tried to shush it away. I said to myself, "It'll come. God's just not ready yet. In His time..." But the fear just sat next to me and stared at me with doubtful, raised eyebrows.

And after some time of self-loathing and self-deprecation and self-pity, my unwelcome passenger told me I had some serious issues I needed to work through. And that's when I realized two things.

1. It's not about you. Yes, you. I'm so thankful for you, your prayers, your support. But I have been worrying way too much about how many people were reading, how frequently, how to hook in more readers, how to keep everyone entertained and -- if I can be mercilessly honest here -- make sure everyone was impressed. Yuck.

2. God is always ready. He's just waiting for me to be ready. I know that Pick Five is the right thing for me to do. I know that it's supposed to happen right now. But I have got to keep my head clear. I have got to free up my heart and mind. I have got to shake out all the me, me, me, I, I, I, if I want to allow any real estate for God to do His work.

And so I reached over, opened the passenger door, and booted out the thing that I had let in. I had to do some serious confessing. I had to release the ownership of my own life that I had usurped from the Lord sometime in these last 11 days. I had allowed my own ambition to get in the way of God's work, and I did it in plain view. I hope you can forgive me too.

So, it wasn't the big thing that I was looking for, but it was the big thing that God needed to teach me today. And now I'm going to go take a shower.

Day 10: Free Rice

Want to donate 66 billion grains of rice to people all over the world? Sure you do. Know what it'll cost you? Nothing. I don't know who thought this up, but it's an amazingly easy way to give. Ready for this? FreeRice.com. Here's what it entails:

You play a vocabulary game, and free rice gets delivered around the world.

That's it. This is especially cool to a "wordie" like me (I think I just made up a word) who, if allowed to have two books on an island, would choose the Bible and the American Heritage Dictionary.

There's corporate sponsors who fund the rice, and it's delivered to areas in need through the World Food Programme. I can't believe this is a real thing. It's so easy, it promotes higher literacy, and it is feeding millions of hungry people. You can't go wrong there. There's even a video that shows the WFP delivering the Free Rice.

Only play it once. You can't. (Or at least I can't.) I've got it on my bookmarks, and I try to play it every time I see it and have a few minutes. My high score is level 50. (Worry not if you are more of a Wheel of Fortune than a Jeopardy, they donate rice for your correct answers, but don't penalize you in rice for your wrong answers. Whew.)

As I'm eating this big bowl of rice in front of me, I am thankful for each grain. Think how much more thankful the Free Rice recipients must be.

Days 8&9: Flying

You know when you board an airplane, and you're all excited or nervous about the initial take-off? You stare out the window, watching the parallax of the trees and mountains change with speed as you taxi down the runway, the sound growing ever more intense. There is vibration, tension, and the plane feels like its going to soon whistle like a tea kettle or explode. And then, there's a release as finally you lift off into the sky. The sound quiets, the cabin steadies, and suddenly, you are in a new dimension, looking down on the earth below grow smaller and smaller until you feel like you can move the houses like pieces on the Monopoly board. And then, you are flying.

I feel like I'm flying right now. My hands have released from their tight grip on the armrest. My back and neck tingle with surrender. The initial take off is over. I feel like I've hit a comfort zone in this Pick Five journey, and I'm just taking it all in stride.

In nine days, not a single outside food or drink has reached my mouth. I made three delicious cakes and sat through a mouth-watering brisket and sausage dinner at my mother-in-law's, and still remained unshaken. My Pick Five simplification is completely intact. Isn't that amazing? I am really, truly amazed by that. And not in a see-what-I-can-do, look-mom-no-hands kind of way, but just overwhelmed by the strength the LORD has given me thus far.

Now that I'm here, in this new phase, I pray that my heart will also let loose its tension. It's a prerequisite to receiving the teaching that awaits.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

PS. If you're wondering how I went from "I Hate Edamame" to "Flying" in two days, remember that there was a Sabbath in between. Put it to the test. See Isaiah 58:13-14. He is so faithful.

Day 7: I Hate Edamame

I hate edamame.

I hate edamame.

I hate edamame.

I am choking it down. What used to be a lovely sometimes treat is now the bane of my mealtime. I think it's the texture. And the taste. It's just no longer appetizing. It's my protein and carrier of many important vitamins and nutrients, so I cannot skip it. I hope the distaste is a hump I can pass over. I know it's mind over matter on this one. It's EXACTLY the reminder that I need, that food is important, not just for taste, but mainly for the life it gives to our bodies. But it's hard. I'm not gonna lie. It reminds me of the fast in Daniel 10: “In those days I, Daniel, was mourning three full weeks. I ate no pleasant food, no meat or wine came into my mouth, nor did I anoint myself at all, till three whole weeks were fulfilled.”

Well, only 33 more days to go.

On a less self-pitying note, the kids and I picked up some Capital Area Food Bank donation boxes and have set up a donation center at Lifetime Fitness in south Austin. If you're a member, feel free to drop off some donations in the Child Center foyer. Food drive runs through August 31st. Thanks!