Day 11: Confessions

I realized today that a fear has been creeping up within me. As I drove around town this morning, I was alone for the first time in a while. My kids had been dropped off to play with their cousins, I had turned off the radio, and was able to collect my thoughts in the silence. I thought about the second quarter of this simplification, as I enter into the teens of Pick Five. I thought about the struggle to get this far, and the new freedom and peace that I now experienced. I thought about the next 29 days and what amazing thing they were waiting to offer. I thought about words and blogs and conversations that I would have because of this amazing thing that was going to happen.

And then a lump grew out of my stomach and made its way up my throat. I tried to swallow it down, but it beat the gag reflex and surfaced to show its face and say hello. And there it was. The fear.

What if I have nothing to say.

What if nothing happens.

And all thought stopped here, like a skipping record repeating an off-key note. What if nothing happens? What will I say? Will it all have been for naught? How will I explain that? I have all of you, reading my thoughts and praying for me and cheering me on. I have my friends and family, asking about my progress, how I'm doing, what I'm learning... What if its all one bogus nothingness that ends, and after all is said and done, life will go on as usual? And I just sat in that for a while.

I tried to shush it away. I said to myself, "It'll come. God's just not ready yet. In His time..." But the fear just sat next to me and stared at me with doubtful, raised eyebrows.

And after some time of self-loathing and self-deprecation and self-pity, my unwelcome passenger told me I had some serious issues I needed to work through. And that's when I realized two things.

1. It's not about you. Yes, you. I'm so thankful for you, your prayers, your support. But I have been worrying way too much about how many people were reading, how frequently, how to hook in more readers, how to keep everyone entertained and -- if I can be mercilessly honest here -- make sure everyone was impressed. Yuck.

2. God is always ready. He's just waiting for me to be ready. I know that Pick Five is the right thing for me to do. I know that it's supposed to happen right now. But I have got to keep my head clear. I have got to free up my heart and mind. I have got to shake out all the me, me, me, I, I, I, if I want to allow any real estate for God to do His work.

And so I reached over, opened the passenger door, and booted out the thing that I had let in. I had to do some serious confessing. I had to release the ownership of my own life that I had usurped from the Lord sometime in these last 11 days. I had allowed my own ambition to get in the way of God's work, and I did it in plain view. I hope you can forgive me too.

So, it wasn't the big thing that I was looking for, but it was the big thing that God needed to teach me today. And now I'm going to go take a shower.